“What Makes Your Life Worth Living?”

I averted my gaze from the laptop screen, shifting my weight on the bed as I uncomfortably contemplated the question in silence, seemingly unable to think of an answer. I lingered on it for a minute, desperately searching my mind for a response, and managed to croak: “Well, uh, I want a black cat when I’m older.” 

A seemingly arbitrary answer, yet it held considerable weight. This answer gave me hope, a goal that I could cling onto, which guided me through my recovery journey (which I can go more in-depth about in a future post). If I felt burdened by harmful thoughts and emotions, I would imagine the cat’s face: soft, black fur, kind eyes, and cute whiskers. I’d imagine her laying on my lap, purring, while I sit on the couch, bringing me an overwhelming sense of peace. I lived for this cat. 

Specifically, wanting this cat showed me that I desired to see better days–I wanted to recover. I used to never think I’d make it past the age of 15. But with this direction brought by such a simple goal, I felt motivated to carry out a future in which I live a comfortable life, having the little black cat by my side. Now, I haven’t “beaten” mental illness–I’m still on that long journey of recovery–but I’m getting closer and closer to achieving my goal, sitting on the couch with the cat on my lap, living a beautiful future.

And the best part? In these years of recovery, I’ve continued to develop more and more reasons to continue living–my initial reason was simply the first of many. Whether it’s to obtain my Ph.D., to spend time with my friends and family, to wear cute clothes, or to teach future generations of mental health advocates, I have countless reasons to live, and whenever I’m in a tough spot, these reasons provide me with a strong sense of hope to continue my journey of recovery. 

So, I encourage you, if you’re in a place where your negative thoughts are taking control, and the difficulties and complexities of life are holding you down, think to yourself: what makes my life worth living? Take a few minutes or so, it doesn’t have to be a fully-fleshed, “perfect” answer (for all my perfectionists out there); something simple is completely fine as well. They may change, may stay the same, but remember: all reasons are valid reasons. 

A simple question on a Zoom call changed the trajectory of my life, leading me on the path to recovery with a sense of hope to hold onto. Since then, my arsenal of reasons to live has grown tremendously, and helped me to maintain motivation through my deepest points of depression. For anyone who hadn’t heard this question before, I hope by sharing it with you, it can provide you with a sense of purpose or direction that is so often hard to find during mental health battles, and continue to support you throughout your journeys of recovery.

I believe in you, and I am proud of you.