Learning to Ask for What I Want (as a People Pleaser)

One of the hardest things to do as a people pleaser is to stick up for myself and confidently ask for what I want. I would like to find a way to accept the discomfort and move past it, though of course, that’s much easier said than done. I’ve been people pleasing as long as I can remember, and trying to work past that habit/mindset seems incredibly daunting to me. That said, people pleasing can be SO draining, so I’d like to put in the work to indulge in that discomfort that comes with asking for what I want, since I believe that would improve my wellbeing and confidence.

As someone who holds some anxiety around what other people think of me, people pleasing becomes almost second-nature. For me, it helps to relieve that anxiety because I am actively doing things to make the other person satisfied, which in turn would (hopefully) make them enjoy my presence. And as I mentioned, this gets draining – trying to navigate other people’s emotions (which can be unpredictable) while also navigating my own can prove to be a huge challenge. 

Going along with that, just because I people please does not mean everyone will like me. And yes, that’s definitely a hard truth to grapple with. But at the same time, I feel like it’s important to understand when learning to stick up for yourself, at least for me – I will not be able to please everyone regardless, so what’s the harm in asking for what I want? If the other person isn’t pleased, that’s OKAY, because it is impossible to please everyone you meet (though of course, don’t use this as an excuse to be intentionally harmful to others). I feel like this sort of mindset helps me personally – obviously each person and experience is unique so this may not be helpful, but I wanted to share what I find particularly useful!

Now that I’ve talked a bit about mindset, here’s what I usually put into action when I ask for what I want: DEAR MAN, a skill from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). The acronym stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, staying Mindful, Appearing confident, and Negotiating. Let’s work with an example: you want to ask your partner for more alone time – I generally prepare in advance for these conversations by coming up with a DEAR MAN before actually engaging in conversation with the person. 

First, you Describe the situation: I noticed we’ve been spending most of our days together. Then, you can Express your feelings (make sure you’re using “I” statements!): I feel overwhelmed/anxious/stressed when I don’t have enough alone time. After, we Assert (make it clear what we want): Therefore, I would like to spend tomorrow alone (just an example, what you ask for may be totally different). Then, you Reinforce, essentially stating why this is mutually beneficial: Having alone time gives us the ability to focus on our wellbeing and personal needs, which would be helpful for both of us. The last few parts of the acronym essentially state how you should present yourself – be Mindful of your request and stick to it, Appear confident by making eye contact, having a steady voice (if comfortable), and Negotiate if needed. 

You can use the DEAR MAN skill for any request, like if you want to ask your parents for an extended curfew or simply for saying “no” to someone. I want to emphasize though, you do NOT need to do a DEAR MAN if you don’t want to. It has mainly just helped me as a people pleaser to stick up for myself while also focusing on the emotions of the other person, which minimizes that discomfort I mentioned earlier.

People pleasing can be incredibly tough, and when we don’t ask for what we want and end up doing something we regret/are uncomfortable with, it can feel awful, regardless if the other person is pleased or not. That discomfort can be more than the initial discomfort that comes with asking for what we want. Your wants and needs are completely valid and worthy, and I hope this post may have been valuable for understanding their importance and working toward sticking up for yourself! And of course, as always,

I believe in you, and I am proud of you.